Seen/Unseen

This is an extract from a conversation between two queer and neurodivergent friends. Zahra Ash Harper talks about language,  survival strategies and what makes us feel safe.

Zahra: I think, you know, much like we were talking about, actually part of what the problem is, is that the problem, the structural civic problem, I should be more specific, is to do with this to do with the fact that there is a proliferation of language that has exponentially grown lately without a sort of adjacent and ratioed response. Like, you know, as in it's not, it's not measured relevantly against people's knowledge of language. Yeah. Alongside it, there's the internet. And there's, there's challenges about how much saturation of all this proliferated language there is. But there is, I think there's less time to spend with really efficiently understanding what people mean when they're talking. So there's less time, like, there's less time for things like this between friends, you know, between families, everybody's busy, busy, busy all the time, just sitting down and being in a moment and really clarifying what do you mean? 

Chloe: What words or things have you created?

Zahra: So my favourite one is melaennials, melanated millennials. And as people born into the glorification of brown skin, it's a state of mind, basically. So I'm not a melaennial, because I was not born into that era. But like, my, my nephew is, and like, most of the young people you meet of difference they are, and they glorify their own brown skin as well as others, they grow up, they're hopeful, they believe that they they're not going to put up with and there's something really pure, about the positivity, there's something very positive, and melaennials are never bringing down other melaennials. They're just not they're not about that brown skin, whatever your tone, even if it's just a fucking tan is we're here for it. And I think that's beautiful thing.

The thing about being a black queer person of my kind, or type or whatever my nature I think I would put it is that I'm not very safe in the world and I never have been, I've always been looked at, always been judged. I've always been noticeable. I've always been Zara Ash Harper. And so fundamentally speaking, I've always had to have a bit of an a bit of a protective armour and I'm sure everybody has this in certain degrees, but mine is very physically and structurally inferred upon me. And actually my inside nature my born nature is I'm just a baby with a softy. I love everything. love everybody. I just want to be cuddled, I want to be close to people want to hold hands. You know, these are my favourite things to do. I want to be with my friends, I want to love them, I want to tell them, I love them. I want them to just, I can't even say the words, I want to tell them to that they want them to tell me that they love me, but I do. I want them to give me presents, I want to be fed by them. You know, I'm just a very needy, needy soul. Like I love people.

I'm very, very conscious that the version of me that I put on I've been taught to put on my mother taught me how to put this person on, you know, and for the best, you know, not not because she she wanted me to be something different or something, you know, whatever it was. So as for survival, do you know what I mean? And, you know, but it does hurt me to do so. And so, you know, that's why there is a lot that I haven't said, or I don't say and that's why I think because of all the things that I would say are things that would reveal me as being black Emo, basically, you know.

Chloe: When have you felt either you were with a group of people or you're seeing something or you're reading something where you see a mirror up to yourself?

Zahra: It's actually really complicated because it requires one to be really honest about how one sees oneself. And then it requires you to go deeper and then reflect being oneself in through the eyes or with the eyes of others upon you. And I'm incredibly private, actually as a person and very, very shy. And the person, like the way I regard myself is that Zahra Ash Harper is my drag persona basically, like very few people actually know me. The Queerest thing about me, as far as I'm concerned is the fact that I have a I have a softy, that's Mr. Softee to you. It's my comfort blanket. And I've had it ever since I was born. And it's basically like the I think the reason why I don't need a lot of other people to affirm me in life, because when it comes down to it I you know, I have comfort, like on a base level, like there is nothing and nobody and nothing in this world that will replace the pleasure of having my softy. There is just nothing. Nothing competes. 

Chloe: What, what is it? So it's a blanket or is it?

Zahra: It's actually the smartest thing about Mr. Softee is that he's a he's a texture it's it's you know, when something pills like bobbles, do you know what I mean when cotton bobbles? Yeah, it's that texture was on my mother's nursing nursing gown when she had me in the hospital. And the first couple months she wore it hers was like a polyester nylon version, which you know, is quite severe bobbling I now have come to a quite a curated experience of it. And there's like, there's softies for your face off these for your hands like that.

You know, it can get overwhelming sometimes I've gone through life's at points where I've literally had it on every surface of my bed, the pillows, the bedspreads, the quilt covers, so it's been quite hard to like get out of bed. And I have to be careful not to trap myself with softy love. But um, but actually that is the thing that means I can sleep anywhere I can anywhere can be home anywhere can be comforting. Any bed can be or sofa can be satisfied, I can  sleep on an aeroplane. I've had travel sized softies and when I turned 30, I looked up, I was like, you know, I thought maybe I'll give it up because I've never given anything up really in my life. And I thought, well, maybe I should give something up. Now. I'm a grown up. Grown up? I was wrong about that.

But um, but I looked it up. And now I read an article that said that people with security objects live a lot longer, they have less stressful lives. And it really affirmed to me that actually, you know, there's there's not a lot of places in this world that you can get, like real sort of stress and anxiety relief. And but the biggest thing is, is that there's no shame, I feel almost like I feel almost like it feels what's that word? Like, like kind of crowing? You know, I mean, like, I feel proud, but also a little bit jealous. Like, it's almost like the opposite of jealousy. Like, I feel like I feel like other people should envy. It's not even that I feel other people should. But I feel like if other people knew that this was possible, or like if they could have been if they could have kept the sensation of nursing that comfort in their lives, like I feel, I feel bad for other people that they don't have access to something that's completely theirs, that you can move around, I guess I feel that way about queerness. Like queerness is like this thing that actually offers so much interest and comfort and solidarity with one's sort of weird self, private self. That actually it's like such a it can be such a comfort when you're allowed to explore it in a way that you need to whether you're kind of you know, queer in the mind, queer in the body, queer in the spirit, like whatever. Like, you know, queerness is really a source of strength.

And I think that my softy is like that, and it comforts me, and it's mine. And I don't have to share it and I don't have to tell people about it and like, I don't like people fucking touching it. And that's why everyone else calls him Mr. Softee, you know, I mean, he's my softy. I don't like people touching him. I used to one of my biggest things is I'll be like, if there's someone in the bed with me, I'll be like, Have you got my softy? And they'll be like, No.. I never have it and I'll be like, just move. And I kind of love to have that. You know, that's how you feel like in the in the club. You know, I mean, this is my space. It's my thing. And it's unashamed and you feel very, like protective but in a very generous way of it. It's like this is Mr. Softy loves me. I love Mr. Softee. But there's a million softies out there that's the thing because it's a texture so anyway, I won't go on anymore but that's how I feel.

Chloe: You heard the voice of Zahra Ash Harper, and Chloe Meineck facilitating